How do I get my spark back? Expectation vs Reality.
What it feels like when you’ve lost your spark
You know when you wake up each day, and it's the same old routine? You have a fuzzy head, you've got your to do list in your mind, you get up and get on with it.
All day everybody else is happy with what you've done; you've pleased your family, you've pleased your clients. Then you collapse in the evening and go to bed.
And it's the same thing the next day. Until you start to think, is this it? Where’s my spark, that makes me happy, makes me try new things. I am sure I just need to get through the next few weeks, and then it's a holiday or I’ll just get through Monday to Friday, and then it's the weekend.
A pattern is formed.
The unconscious pattern
Very quickly, a pattern is established where we are great at our jobs, we think of others, we please others, we service others and then we sleep. And this pattern continues.
And what's wrong with that? Well, nothing. It gets results.
We're great at our jobs, everybody tells us that. In fact, because we're so great at our jobs we get asked to do more.
But something's missing.
Joy? Happiness? Spark? Is it that spring in your step? What is it? Something's missing.
But what is it and why should we care? Everybody thinks we're doing brilliantly. So why does it really matter?
Why your spark is important
Well, there comes a time when that unconscious pattern doesn't work anymore.
There comes a time when we wake up one day and we are grumpy. We're grumpy with our family. We're grumpy with our partners. We're grumpy with colleagues. And sometimes we snap and as managers we snap at our team. We finish that conversation and we think, “ugh! did I really say that?” and we then beat ourselves up about it. We feel guilt and frustration.
Then we move on to the next thing.
But that makes us even more unhappy. Because now, not only are we just surviving and doing one thing to the next to the next, we're making others unhappy too.
So, what happens next? Well, not only does happiness go down, frustration goes up and we ask ourselves – How do I get my spark back?
We start looking at ourselves to work out what the problem is, but often we look at ourselves to say, “Ah!, you're not doing a good enough job you're a rubbish manager,” “You’re not as fast as you used to be.” We start blaming ourselves and our confidence takes a dip. We try to fix it, by trying to fix ourselves as managers or what can we do to free up more time so that we can do more work?.
I did all this for many, many years. In my 20 years working in law firms and in companies, and having two children, I longed for the weekends and next holiday for the short-term fix.
I was a successful over achiever and pleaser. And if you asked anybody around me, they would have said, “Sadia is fine, she's doing really well. She's got this, she’s sorted”. And of course, more work comes, but it came to a point when I wasn't sorted, I knew I had lost my spark. Everyone around me was seeing results, but they weren’t seeing my spark, my infectious energy, my infectious laugh, my personality. That wasn't coming out anymore.
Getting your Spark back
I decided it was time to invest in a coach and here’s what I learned.
Expectation
When we want our spark back, we often think of holidays. We think of doing more things that we enjoy doing and fitting those in. And that's all great. But actually, the first step to sustainably working out how to get your spark back, is to ask yourself, one key question:
What are my needs?
I know this is going back to basics but as human beings we all have basic needs. But how many times do we sit down and ask the question?. What do I need in my life for me to wake up in the morning and say, I feel replenished, I feel ready for the day, I'm excited about today, and I feel that my bucket of energy is full, completely full. How often do you ask yourself – what are my needs? and Am I focusing on my needs today?
But here's the thing.
Unless we know what our needs are and we spend the time trying to work it out, we're always going to be looking for the next holiday or for the weekend or for other things, which will make us happy in the moment, but we get back to be being grumpy as soon as we are back into the daily routine.
I grew up being told to always think about others and that our purpose in life was about helping others. It's about putting others first, putting your job first, putting your career first, putting your family first and then happiness and success follows. And anything other than that, actually wasn't an option.
But that pattern doesn't serve me anymore.
It didn't make me happy. Yes, I achieved but my spark went.
So how about a new pattern?
How about a pattern, where number one is to focus on ourselves, and work out our needs, so that we actually become replenished and powerful by satisfying our needs. We lay the important foundations needed to get our spark back.
What are your needs? Top 10 ideas to think about:
Water: How much water do you need to drink each day? Yes, this is an easy one but it is so often overlooked, especially when we are running around thinking of others.
Food: What kind of food do you need each day and how often? How often have you got to the end of the day and thought, ugh, I forgot lunch……?
Sleep: How many hours sleep do you need each day? Where do you keep your mobile phone at night!?
Exercise: What kind, how many times a week?
Alone time: Do you need time alone? If yes, how often? How long?
Time with others: Do you need time with family, friends, pets? How often? Phone or in person (where possible!)?
Prayer/Meditation: Do you need to make time for prayer, meditation or mindfulness practice? If so, how long and how often?
Nature/time outside: Do you need time outside or around nature?
Music: Do you need time to listen to or play music?
Creativity time: Do you need time for art or something else?
What are the things that you need in order for you to feel okay?. Once you've come up with your list of needs, now, be truthful to yourself and ask yourself, how many of these things, am I actually doing in a week?
And that's where we need to start.
Reality – How to start to get your spark back?
Accept that you need a new pattern. Leave the unconscious unhelpful pattern and choose a new pattern where you and your needs are your number one priority. It’s not selfish.
Identify your needs.
Prioritise those needs. Those needs must come first.
How do you make sure that you prioritise your needs in the future?. Do you discuss your needs with your partner, or a friend and ask them to remind you when they see you getting tired or grumpy?
Be kind to yourself, talk to yourself as you would to a best friend who you love and want to help. Don't talk to yourself in a way that you would never talk to somebody else i.e. “Look, you can do this just get on and do it, the task is more important than you right now”. “Everybody else is fine. Why can't you do it.” Would you really speak to somebody else like that? No, then don’t do it to yourself.
Take action. Refill your bucket of energy.
Once I prioritised my needs and took action, it’s amazing what opened up for me. I was able to focus more, be more creative and make decisions in a powerful way rather than make decisions to just survive the day or week. I started to thrive and choose to do things that made me feel happy. There was less guilt and procrastination and more action leading to joy and regaining the spark.