How to know if you are Self-Sabotaging and how to stop!
“The only person standing in your way, Sadia, is you.” A Partner said this to me many years ago and I remember thinking - “What on earth does that mean and what can I do about it?”
We had worked together many years ago and we met for a coffee. I began explaining what was not working for me in my career and how I felt stuck. I didn't really know what to do. I started telling him about the things that were working and what I did want to do. He said, “Sadia, you're great, and the only person standing in your way is you”. And I remember thinking, wow. Does this mean I have to focus on myself. I don't really have time for that right now. There must be something faster, a tool or something. This is what this article is about!
And my first question:
Do you self-sabotage? Most people say “No”! I did.
What is self-sabotage?
It’s behaviours or thought patterns that hold you back and prevent you from doing what you want to do.
Your Self-Saboteur is usually a negative voice catastrophizing a situation or coming up with many excuses why you can’t possible do something you want to do.
Mine always pops up when I'm doing something new. When I'm clearly stepping out of my comfort zone.
Self-sabotage behaviour and thought patterns can be:
You’re about to go for promotion, you feel ecstatic that you have been put forward, but then this voice inside says “they are just being kind to you, no-one really thinks you are going to get it, in fact they are hoping you are going to drop out”. You then question why you are in the process. Some drop out. Some spend significant amounts of time on reasons and arguments why you should not be in the process. Common reasons are that you are rubbish at sales and marketing.
You’re about to attend a dream client pitch or client meeting and the thoughts “you’re not prepared enough, you’re not what they really want, it’s a real long shot” which ultimately impacts the way you show up for the meeting.
You feel inspired to try something new, then you get the tightness in your tummy and the uncomfortable feeling and lots of reasons why not to do it. You start catastrophizing about what will happen if you do it.
You start thinking you should do more research on this point, you should speak to somebody else on this, you should do a lot of things before you actually do what you want to do
It’s too hard. It takes too much time
I don’t have enough experience to ask to work on that project
You feel the “wobble”, the “uncomfortable feeling” and think you are not good enough. The thing is, as we grow, so does our self- saboteur, our fears and limiting beliefs. What I didn’t realise is that these wobbles, uncomfortable feelings are also a good sign that we are growing in our careers. It’s not because we are not good enough, despite our self-saboteur telling us!
I now know when my saboteur speaks up it’s because I am stepping out of my comfort zone into my growth zone.
And he's scared.
The Saboteur doesn't know the difference between the fear related to jumping off a bridge where its right to warn us and we need to listen and the fear of trying something new in our careers.
Why is it important to spot your Saboteur?
But here's the thing, you're stopping yourself reaching your goal. You are sabotaging yourself. You are coming up with excuses. Millions of reasons not to do something. Not to reach your goal, not to go for that promotion, not to have that brave conversation with your manager to tell them what you really want in your career.
And every single one of us does it in one way or the other.
This behaviour can affect nearly every aspect of life, be it in a relationship, career goal or personal goal (such as running a marathon). It can be a very frustrating cycle of behaviour that lowers our self-confidence and leaves us feeling stuck.
There are many reasons why we self-sabotage, most common are:
Lack of self-belief: we don’t believe we can achieve our goals. Saboteur tells us we are not smart enough, we’re not good enough.
Fear of Success: when we’ve worked hard for something, fear of success can be the stressor.
Fear of failure: fear that we will give all we have to a goal and it will still not be enough.
But here's the thing. Are you noticing it?
Do you know when you are self-sabotaging? Is this working for you?
What can you do about it?
Here are my five top tips to stop your Self-Saboteur getting in your way:
Practice spotting your Saboteur. What's he or she saying, and when does he or she pop up?
Give him or her a name. Draw a picture in your mind or on paper, visualise him or her.
Thank him or her for trying to keep you safe. But then very clearly say you've got this.
Then take action. Small steps or big steps. Moving forward only happens through actions, never through thoughts. Your Saboteur’s aim is to stop you taking action and you are the only one who can stop this.
Accept that you might feel like you're free falling but trust the parachute will open. Remember it always has before and it will again.
As always, be kind and compassionate to yourself on your journey.
Once I was able to spot my self-saboteur, I was able to grow. It was still scary but I chose courage over fear. What’s your self-saboteur saying to you?
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.” Marianne Williamson (Author).