How “I don't fit in” is your superpower.

“If you are always trying to be normal, you will never know how amazing you can be” Maya Angelou

When was the first time you felt “I don't fit in”?

I remember my first day as a newly qualified corporate lawyer in September 2000. I was the only woman in my cohort, and the only non-white person. As we walked the floors, sat through all the induction meetings, I remember waiting and hoping I was going to get that feeling of “I made the right decision, I’m in the right place, I fit in”. It never happened.

A pattern began, this same feeling followed me each time I did something for the first time.

The first time I attended my first board meeting.

The first time I gave a presentation.

Every performance review.

My promotion discussions.

I always had that feeling of “I just don't fit in”.

What’s the impact of feeling “I don’t fit in”?

Well, focusing on and believing “I don't fit in”, whether it was right or wrong, always meant I was distracted. It stole my much needed energy, my headspace, and it ultimately held me back. I didn't offer my opinion when I really wanted to. I was too busy having internal “conversations” with myself saying “don’t mess this up or make a full of yourself, you need to look as if you fit in, watch what you say”. And then the moment to speak passed.

But……. it did make me work harder. Always achieving so I would not be found out. I didn't want anyone to know or see that I didn't fit in!. I wanted everyone to see me as the same. I know! I'm cringing writing this, but it's the truth. It was my journey. I even took up playing golf!!! It was a disaster!

However, when we live in that headspace of I don't fit in, we limit ourselves from living to our full potential. Yes, we may still achieve but we could actually achieve so much more and be happier. I’ve learnt that when you quieten the negative voices and focus on your strengths, you'll thrive.

At first, I was so focused on “I don't fit in”, I didn't focus on the gifts and opportunities it brought me. My gift was always seeing and hearing things that no-one else in the room picked up on.  I was always asked for my opinion, and I became known as someone who spoke from the heart.

I was always a courageous, empathetic and inclusive leader because “I didn't fit in”.

I’m able to let everyone know that if they feel “I don’t fit in”, they are NOT alone.

We can never control the challenges that hit us but we can control our thoughts. Our thoughts, control how we show up and what we say. If your thoughts are telling you “You don’t fit in”, what you say will be different and less powerful to what you will say if your thoughts are “My unique view and strengths are needed today”.

Why does the feeling of “I don’t fit in” exist?

Well, I believe, when we see differences, we don't naturally and automatically celebrate them. We often think that differences are not always great, maybe a threat. There is set way of doing things and so a set way to be. But the reality is we are all wonderfully different. And it's a gift. It's a gift. All our differences are our superpowers.

Many also believe that “to fit in” is holy grail and happens when you spend long enough in an organisation.

Often, people feel that the more senior you get, the more you must feel that you “fit in”. But actually what often happens is that feeling of “I don't fit in” feels even stronger when you sit round a table and just see differences and feel you are not being heard or listened to. You focus on “what am I doing wrong”, “am I getting my message across”, “why don’t I have anything valuable to say”….I just don’t fit in. Impact: you don’t speak up in the way you would if you thought “I have a seat at this table because I am good enough and have unique strengths and superpowers that are needed here today, that’s why I am here”.  

We need all courageous leaders to speak up right now.

Top tips to use “I don’t fit in” as your superpower.

1.     Understand and accept.
Understand the feeling of “I don’t fit in”, why it’s there, what it’s got you and not got you to date. Accept that it's just a feeling, it doesn't have to mean anything.

Stop trying to fit in. Stop waiting for that feeling of “I fit in”. You don't need that feeling, let go of the desire to feel it and strive for it.

2.     Widen your network of friends/colleagues.
It’s true you need to feel a sense of belonging but this doesn’t mean it will be in one group or one organisation. There will be certain people in certain groups and organisations where you feel connected and try to meet these people. Join different employee resource groups, clubs that interest you.

3.     Cultivate self-love.
Often, it's your ego saying “ You don't fit in, therefore you’re not good enough” counter that by saying, thinking and believing, “I am good enough, I know my true strengths and superpowers and choose to stand in those shoes”.

4.     Reclaim your power and stand in your strengths.
You are powerful and you are unique, just as you are. Focus on what you do have, and know that your differences are your gifts, and they are your superpowers.

Identify and own your superpowers and your strengths and stand in those shoes. Not fitting in is your superpower. Don't let it go. If you let that go, you become “I fit in”, and you have lost your superpower. Don't lose it, we need your superpowers, they are unique to you.

5.     Change your focus.
If you focus on “I don’t fit in”. You're not open to your full potential. Change to “I have my unique strengths. These are all my superpowers.”

All my differences race, gender, background, journey in and out of law, are my superpowers, they are unique to me. My superpowers make me a curious, courageous and empathetic leader. I don't follow the same path as everyone else, just because it's the same path. Not fitting in has liberated me. It's a superpower I always had without knowing about it. I've attracted so many of my clients both in law and now because of my superpowers. Seeing difference inspires and empowers others to be different.

If the feeling of “I don’t fit in” keeps popping up and is not doing you any favours, please book a call so I can give you one key tip to help.