How “I'm fine” is the thief of happiness.
“If I am not good to myself, how can I expect anyone else to be good to me?” Maya Angelou.
“I'm fine” is too often an automatic response to “How are you?”. It's a safe answer. It’s quick. It doesn’t typically trigger further questions or comments.
I have used “I’m fine” far too many times and accepted it too many times from others. So, what’s the issue? Well, “I'm fine” is a signal we need something. Don't ignore it. We use this so often as an automatic response, we now struggle to describe how we actually feel.
This article focuses on what it really means, it’s true impact, why it’s important not to ignore it and what we can do instead.
What does “I'm fine” really mean?
It can have many meanings, some are:
I’m not sure how I feel and I don’t want to focus on it.
Nobody would understand how I'm really feeling.
I don't want to talk about it.
I feel overwhelmed and don’t know how else to answer.
I'm not fine but I don’t want anyone to know.
I’m not fine but I don't know how to ask for what I need.
Why do we use “I'm fine”?
We are denying our true feelings.
We're happy to convince ourselves and others that everything really is okay, pretending that we don't have any problems, uncomfortable emotions or conflicts, is a facade. It's the image we want to present to the rest of the world.
We fear being judged or rejected if people knew the truth.
If we acknowledge our problems to others, we have to face them and admit to ourselves that we're not happy. Our lives are not perfect. Or we need help.
We pretend to be fine to avoid conflict, sharing our true feelings.
We also use, I'm fine to shield ourselves from painful feelings.
We don't want to be seen as difficult.
We don’t want to appear ungrateful for what we do have.
We feel we haven’t got time or the other person hasn’t got time to talk about it.
The fear of being judged, and the fear of being rejected are huge fears, we often don't even know we're feeling it. Yet, they crop up in our everyday life. They stop us being our authentic selves.
What's the impact of saying, “I'm fine”.
Life feels fine, not great, not happy…..just fine.
We hold ourselves back.
We never focus on how we can feel great or happy, life becomes “fine”.
We become frustrated.
We stop using the word happy. We stop striving to be happy. We only use “happy” when we talk about a holiday, or we talk about a day out. It’s as if happiness happens at certain times, but it’s not the norm to use it for work. Fine, is the new goal. Fine, is what we strive for. And when we get fine, we don’t get happy.
I’m fine is the thief of happiness.
I’m fine is a signal that we have unmet needs, if we don’t work out what those needs are, we can never meet them.
When we say “I’m fine” it’s game over, we don’t have to do anything else about it. Yet, the underlying reasons for saying I’m fine will remain until we focus on what it really means.
What if we didn't settle for “I'm fine”?
What if we stop, take a moment and ask with true sincerity, how someone is doing? Or better yet, ask how they are feeling?.
We could all benefit from slowing down, taking on earnest interest in others, as well as, honestly, evaluating how we ourselves are doing.
If we stop and take the precious time to evaluate how we really feel, we will feel better, create more authentic and satisfying relationships.
We’ll be happier in ourselves when we know ourselves better, and can acknowledge more of our feelings and experiences. I still remember my first real mistake with a client as a lawyer, I was mortified and my tummy feels so tight just thinking about it now. I remember talking about it with the Partner (because I had to!), but I was too ashamed, too scared of being judged to talk about it with anyone else. I definitely responded “I’m fine” to “How are you” that day. By saying “I’m fine”, I suppressed all the uncomfortable feelings which then kept bubbling up again and again impacting my self-confidence. I also kept valuable know how and lessons learnt from my team. Nothing good came out of it!
What can we do instead?
1. Spot when you say or want to say “I'm fine”/ “I’m ok”. Ask why do I feel this way?. Check your needs are met (How do I get my spark back?)
2. Acknowledge how you actually feel.
3. Be honest with yourself about how you feel, don’t try to change it. Name your feelings. You might find it easier to write it out.
4. Feelings are never good or bad, they are just comfortable or uncomfortable, feel them and don't push them away.
5. If you want to say, I'm fine. Know that it's a signal to focus on how you actually feel. Feelings are messengers that deliver helpful insights. Be curious about them, rather than trying to change how you feel.
6. Choose a safe person to open up to or seek other support from a mentor, coach. You are not alone.
7. You can slowly start to think and act differently. You can validate your feelings and needs, and be more of you, your true self.
8. Be the role model to others, be honest, which naturally gives others permission to be honest.
Tell the truth, use words such as crappy, amazing, awful, happy. You need to move out of your comfort zone. And it's scary. It's always scary. But if you want happiness, it’s worth it.
If you’d like a quick deep dive into why you might be using “I’m fine”, please book a curiosity call so we can work it out together. I’d love to hear from you.