How to feel as good as you look on paper
“I can see how great I look on paper. I just don't feel it.” I used to feel this exact way. I hear it from so many of my clients. Today's article is all about why we so often look so great on paper, so great to everyone else, but don't actually feel as great as we look. The impact this has on us and what we can do about it.
How do you look on paper and to others (be honest!)?
I’d guess, you look pretty good. You've got a great job, great team. Lots of third party acknowledgement from clients, from managers, from your team. You are a high achiever, maybe even an overachiever, you get stuff done, and people like you. In fact, people may actually ask you for a career advice! So why aren't you feeling great?
How you might feel…………
I just don't feel great.
I don't feel good enough.
I know that I'm great at some things, but I'm really rubbish at others.
I just want to feel happy and excited about life.
I just feel stuck.
I feel that I'm surviving.
I don't feel I can talk to anybody about it.
And actually………………..you can't have everything in life. You always have to sacrifice something. So actually I think I'm pretty lucky with what I've got.
I haven't got the time or energy to change anything.
Sound familiar?
If you look great to everybody else. Why bother changing?
Well……..
A few Myth Busters
Change doesn't mean, things will get worse or fall apart.
Change doesn't mean that your effectiveness, your impact, everything that you've worked hard to achieve will be dented or tarnished in any way whatsoever.
You can have everything. You just need to work out what “everything” really means to you (not your ego!).
Feeling as good as you look on paper is not egocentric, it’s not boastful, it’s not selfish. It's absolutely what you can have, and deserve to have.
You are not alone. There are many, many others that feel the way that you do, you are good enough. There is nothing wrong with you.
What happens if there’s no change.
Well, if there's no change, you continue to look amazing on paper, and continue to not feel it. Then……….please be alert to the below risks.
You only feel good when a third party says that you've done well.
Your happiness is coming from third parties, team, manager, clients, so you're not controlling whether you're happy. You're waiting for third party acknowledgment before you can be happy at work.
You feel frustrated because you may not get the acknowledgements when you want it, even though you are working very hard. This impacts confidence.
As you’re always striving to get third party acknowledgement, you end up working harder, you end up not saying “no” to things. You sacrifice your time for work.
You overthink things, and your inner critic, may well be turning into a killer critic.
The result leaves you feeling unhappy, frustrated, unfulfilled.
Even when receive positive feedback you've got a killer critic telling you that it’s not true.
So what's the solution here?
Focus on YOU and do the internal work.
The reason you look good on paper is that you've done all the external work. But now, your body is crying out to tell you that you need to do some internal work.
You need to focus on your relationship with yourself.
You need to build and nurture your inner cheerleader.
You need to focus on what you can control about yourself.
You need to take back control of how you choose to feel.
You need to make time for things that energise you, that make you excited.
You've become an expert in your field but you also need to be an expert in you, and you need to invest time and get support, to become an expert in you, your thoughts and your mind.
What happens if you do invest in focusing on your relationship with you?
By taking action you're forming a new helpful pattern, you're thinking about yourself, you're making time to think about yourself first, focusing on what's in your control, focusing on what makes you happy.
I remember not feeling as great as I looked on paper many times in my career. It didn't go away with the promotions or pay rises or great end of year reviews. I only started to feel great when I had my own coach, and I did the internal work. When I spent time getting to know and understanding the thoughts that I was having, what my inner critic and perfectionist was saying, and why. I learnt to spot and understand these “thought hijackers”. I was then able to quiet them.
By controlling my “thought hijackers” and creating new much needed headspace, I was able to focus on my wins, focus on properly listening to and being open to receive the amazing feedback that I did receive, but also, importantly, focus on acknowledging myself.
Acknowledging myself when I felt I'd done a great job. I didn't feel boastful, I didn't feel selfish. I was able to celebrate my wins and acknowledge myself for what I had done. I did that by prioritising myself, and by doing that, I was able to do more of the things that I enjoyed. I had a clearer head, I wasn't having an internal unhealthy battle with my inner critic, my pleaser, my perfectionist. I spent time identifying my strengths and owning them. I nurtured my inner cheerleader. I had a whole new relationship with myself.
By focusing and spending time and energy investing in the relationship with myself, with the support of my coach, I was able to finally feel as good as I looked on paper.
By finding this new feeling. I was much stronger. I attracted more opportunities. I had more spring in my step and I could do more. I was more positive. I could seek out more opportunities. I swapped the not feeling great for a newfound strength and new inner cheerleader. This allowed me to feel as good as I looked on paper and from that position I attracted so many more opportunities, had very different conversations with people. I was happier and more confident and that all came because I did the inner work.
It never came from the all the external work that I did. It came from the inner work.
Five steps to help you feel as good as you look on paper
1. Prioritise yourself.
How full is your battery of energy? Do you need to take time out to replenish? In order for you to tame your thought hijackers, and focus fully on you, you need to have a full battery.
2. Thought Audit
Who's in control of your thoughts right now?. How strong is your perfectionist; inner critic; self-saboteur?. These are all “thought hijackers”, who take over your thoughts and make you feel as if they're telling the truth. You need to take back control and run the show not your thought hijackers.
3. Be kind to yourself.
Be kind to yourself. Talk to yourself as you would talk to your best friend, with love and kindness.
4. Celebrate your wins.
Have you ever done this? Each day celebrate each win, it doesn’t have to be an expensive present!. It could be a walk or a chat or a nice cake! Focus more on wins and not on what you could have done better. Those are learnings and once you’ve worked out the learning, move on.
5. Nurture your Inner Cheerleader
Acknowledge yourself for three things each day. It doesn’t need to be for huge projects, it can be for kindness, for being loving. Your inner cheerleader will not appear overnight. Small and consistent steps each day are key.
Not feeling as good as you look in paper is a sign by your body that you need to do some internal work. The internal work is about nurturing the relationship with yourself, and your thoughts.
It's a great stage in your life. Embrace it, but please make sure you take action and don't ignore it. It's not going to go away. If your Thought Hijackers are running the show, and you would like some quick steps to take back control, please do book a call to get those top three steps to take your power back. My mission is help nurture the important relationship with ourselves and take back control from our Thought Hijackers.