How to overcome the paralysing fear behind perfectionism
“Overcoming what frightens you the most, strengthens you the most” Matshona Dhliwayo (Author).
Even after all these years, I still remember that paralysing feeling, that tight lump in my stomach where I really, really knew that I wanted to say something; in a board meeting, to someone in my team, or to my manager but I couldn’t do it! Or if I did speak, it wasn’t what I really wanted to say!.
I remember making it mean; “I'm just not good enough”, “there's something wrong with me”, “I can't communicate properly”, “it’s just me”, “I'm a rubbish manager”.
The truth was, I felt fear. The fear was so, so strong, it paralysed me. When I felt fear, I did the natural thing of avoiding it, of doing everything I could to avoid what was making me fearful.
Today, by knowing what that fear is, I can focus on it so it doesn't have the control and the power that it once had over me. I was really familiar with the fear of failure. Everybody talks about fear of failure, but one fear I wasn’t aware of was the fear of rejection.
What is Fear of Rejection?
The history of fear of rejection is firmly rooted in human evolution, where we were pack animals, and there was always a fear that we would get kicked out of the pack. If we got kicked out of the pack, we would die. Now I understand that when we have that fear of rejection, that paralysing fear, it’s the strongest fear I've ever felt because its subconsciously associated with death. That's how it feels inside, and it's for that reason that I didn't do all the things that I really wanted to do, because I was scared of being rejected. I was scared of being judged. That fear was strong enough to feel like I was going to die.
Fear of rejection and my perfectionist
Fear of rejection shows up in many different ways; inaction, where I just was so fearful I did nothing; procrastination; or in my case, it often showed up in my perfectionism.
Fear of rejection, has a long history with my family and I. My parents originated for Bangladesh and arrived in the UK in the 1960s. It was the best move they ever made but it wasn't always the most welcoming of times, they were one of the first groups to arrive and their fear of rejection, which I see now, was huge. Sub-consciously, they’d left their pack behind and were desperately trying to find a new pack. We became real perfectionists “everything's got to be perfect because then people can't reject us, people can't judge us, we avoid death!”. Perfectionism is how we get the security and the safety that we've been craving for. The fear of being rejected, the fear of not fitting in, the fear of being judged, the feeling of not of being kicked out was such a deep, deep feeling that I always felt but it I didn’t know its name or history.
What happens if you do nothing?
By not naming the fear of rejection or understanding it, it had a huge control over me and my family.
The perfectionist in me was always very strong from a very young age, and it got stronger and stronger. The greater my fear of rejection as I progressed in my career, the stronger my perfectionist became.
So what? You had a great career. You did well. Nothing bad happened. That's okay……… Well, not really. Not for me anyway. Because I didn't say and do what I really wanted to say and do. I said and did what a perfectionist would do, and a perfectionist sets unrealistic unreasonable standards. Not necessarily, setting the standards that I would set for my true self. They weren't achievable.
So when I went into those board meetings. I wasn't relaxed. I was a perfectionist and unless I knew exactly the right answer and how to say it. I didn't say anything. It sucked my energy. I felt stuck. I sidestepped issues. I never felt good at the end of it, far from it.
But what changed for me, and why. Well, once I discovered the fear of rejection, once I understood that the fear subconsciously felt like death and that’s why it felt so strong and paralysing. I was able to spot it and choose how to deal with it.
5 steps to overcome the Fear of Rejection
Fear always makes you think of the worst case scenario. That’s it’s job, to keep us safe. We need fear in our lives and it’s not going anywhere.
But I discovered a new relationship with fear.
Fear is a natural human instinct.
It’s not bad. It’s nothing to be worried about. It is nothing to avoid. It's just a feeling to face, and know that it can be a positive feeling to face. Fear doesn't have to be a negative. We need fear. If we didn't have fear we would be jumping off bridges and jumping into fires. But not everything that we do, especially in a work environment is about avoiding death. So first, just feel it, and face it.Name the fear.
Fear of rejection. What really is the worst case scenario?. Is it really death?. Am I really going get kicked out?.Fear is a signpost.
Think of fear as a signpost, it's a sign that you are growing, it's a sign you are stepping out of your comfort zone, it's a sign that change is about to happen. Yes, that's scary but it also makes us stop and think. If you're going to have a conversation with someone that you really, really don't want to have. Think about it. What is that fear?. Yes, there's the fear of rejection. You're not going to die. You're not going to get kicked out. You're still going to be working in the same organisation, you're still going to be doing the same job after that conversation, just remind yourself of that.
Then focus on the positive side, the opportunity. What could you do in that conversation that's going to make working life, after that conversation so much better?. If you're sitting in that board meeting, and you really have something to say - What's the best case scenario of you actually speaking up?.Be kind to yourself
Remember when you feel the fear of rejection, you sub-consciously think you are going to die! It’s a huge fear. It’s not the truth but it still feels like it is. Be kind to yourself and talk to yourself as if you were talking to a best friend who in that moment is paralysed by fear and not able to believe in themselves, you believe in them instead.Take Action
Always take action. Steps don’t need to be big. A small step could be speaking to a friend about how you are feeling, writing all your feelings down. Anything to take it out of your head and take the sting out of the fear.
Fear makes us catastrophize, it makes us focus on the worst case scenario, it makes us into a procrastinator, a perfectionist……………………………but it doesn't have to.
We can make it into a positive experience.
Now if I feel fear, I still feel that same fear. I still feel it in exactly the same way, but I now understand that it's a signpost. I challenge it, I feel it. I name it, I talk about it. Then I take action. I take back control, I now speak up when I have got something to say. It's not sustainable, just to push through it, and ignore it because it will always be there, and it gets stronger. It's about feeling it and knowing how you can use it to your advantage.
You decide when to follow fear. You decide when to follow joy. You decide when to choose courage over fear when to choose joy over fear. You decide. With this new knowledge and relationship with fear, you take back control.
I never heard or talked about the fear of rejection in my 20 odd years as a lawyer. Now, I call it out for myself and others and I ask “What are you really scared of?”.
Click to book a call if you want me to listen to what really scares you at work, it’s liberating and a real step forward to release those fears from our heads.